47.1 F
Seattle
Friday, April 23, 2021

Holy Florida Congressman, Batman!

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“Consider Matt Gaetz’s contrived, counterfeit smile. He stole that directly from The Joker. Look at them side by side. The same maniacal face. The same evil grin,” said a spokesperson for Warner Brothers, the owner of DC Comics.

New Force of Nature Discovered

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A scientist warns: “Not only is the quantity of bullshit growing at twice the rate of underlying communications; the density of bullshit is also escalating, largely due to Fox News."

America’s Dictator Waiver Through the Years

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From 1945 until 2016 toleration was the fundamental principle of American foreign policy. The United States tolerated thuggish Dictators so long as they were our thuggish Dictators. The United States required every allied thuggish Dictator to annually file the one page affidavit.

Demi-Semi-Literally: Who Pronounces the “t” in Often?

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Ever since its founding document proclaimed that “all men are created equal,” the supply of status in America has been inadequate. Any method to appropriate distinction, even though mispronunciation, will flourish.

S’no Joke: Weather Comes to Seattle

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Seattleites have long had a love-hate relationship with snowy weather, just as they did over the weekend when the region was blanketed with shovel-loads...

After Trump, Where’s my Satire Going to Come From?

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With Trump no longer president, I feared satirical blogging could change from guessing his next tweet to requiring real work.

Oh, Cruel! Comcast Breaks up with Fox News?

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Post Alley has managed to get its hands on a fake confidential memo from the CEO of Comcast to the leadership of Fox News

Wanted: Who’ll Be Trump’s Alpha Lizard Replacement?

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An expert explains: "Trump has mastered all patterns of Lizard communications including head-bobbing, tail waving, opening jaws wide, sticking out dewlaps (the fold of loose skin hanging from the neck), and exposing brightly colored undersides. Thus, when Trump speaks, his Base become Beta Lizards receiving orders from the Alpha Lizard.”

The League of Cannibalistic Satanist Pedophiles Has a PR Problem

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“Recruitment for the League is declining in all target categories except for the Foodies. But where else can a gourmet find a menu like ours? Also, younger members are leaving us to practice Satanism-lite with The Young Republicans.”

So Long, 2020. Time to Walk the Doggerel

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Let’s hope the new year swiftly brings (among a raft of other things) no Covid surges in the news, no tales of crowded ICUs, a chance to browse in aisles of books drink bistro wine while garlic cooks.

Gettysburg Too: Trump’s Crusade to Overturn Historical Fake History

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“The plan is to get this to the Supreme Court, frame it as an issue of religious freedom, and get the messhuggah Catholics to rule in our favor."

Attention OED: Time to Juvenate Many Funct and Tinct Words

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Your ebriation and sipidity are plorable. You will be a sung hero, precated and paraged for your bauchery, gradement and cadence.

Tracking the Pro-COVID Vote

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The Covid numbers are quite stable, with a slight majority not ready to die. Texas is way more ready for death than Washington state, the land of wusses. .

Yes, I Speak Car Repair: My R2-D2 Strut Bracings Are Shot?

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The trick is to run out the clock by asking a lot of seemingly-dumb questions until, exhausted, the scammers are ready for a low-ball offer.

I am Genius Hear Me Roar (So Why Didn’t I Win a MacArthur?)

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One MacArthur insider explained to loser Clifford that, “This year white males received four of the 21 awards. Hey, enough is enough.”

Now Is the Time for All Good Kindergarten Teachers to Come to the Aid...

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I understand that helping to moderate the next two debates—if they happen— will be a dark, dangerous and dirty job, but I have no doubt that the kindergarten teachers of America would step up and volunteer to perform their civic duty.

Being the DJ in my Head Should be a Dream Job. Alas…

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Unfortunately, my DJ has hideous taste in music. He loves songs from my pre-pubescent days in the early 1950s. Songs like "How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?"

My Exclusive Interview with Q, Rebutting The New York Times

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Q: "Most Satanist pedophiles dine on young children because they like the taste. Hillary traces her weight gain on her fondness for Fricassee de Babbim while Soros routinely gorges on Jeune Fille a la Hongrois."

Heaven Has a Branding Problem, And I’m Happy To Be A Consultant

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Satan’s brand promise—anger, greed sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony—is compelling.to Millennials. Heaven’s core brand message, The Ten Commandments, is unconvincing and lacks top-of-mind awareness.

Executive “Outplacement”: How To Flatter Trump Into Leaving

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Think about renaming public squares, with fine statues of King Don in the middle (renaming Lafayette Square across from the White House is an obvious first choice).

Uh Oh: Herd Immunity To Facts Is Rising

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Clearly, the problem lies neither with native intelligence nor education. The problem is that the population of the deep south have developed a herd immunity to facts.

Do You Speak Seattle? Nineteen Ways To Say No

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The trick is to say no, ever so politely, and in a way that discourages the favor-seeker from persisting. Practicing inflection is key.

Who Is That Masked Woman? Plus: Comets And Jokey Names

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Masks, however problematic, are a symbol of caring for others, trying to protect one another against transmission of a nasty virus. That said, I can't help wishing that I had better constructed ears.

If God Has Anointed Trump, Is It Time To Dump God?

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“The Christian God seems to be losing it,” an unhappy Southern Baptist says. “He anointed Trump. Whom will He anoint next? Nicolás Maduro? Kim Jung-Un? Betsy DeVos?”

Let’s Get Real: A (Modest) Proposal For A New National Anthem

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You can't remember the words. You can’t sing the tune, which was composed for drunken Brits. So c'mon, let's designate a new anthem that really reflects America's values...

Trump: Standing Up For Our Freedom To Infect

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Trump: "Face masks are the Green New Deal. Face Masks are socialism. Real Americans don’t wear face masks. Real Americans infect. FTI! Freedom to Infect!”

Inside the Idiocracy: Alexa Answers it All for You

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A Snide Steven tries and fails to get Alexa clued in to the pandemic's costs. Alexa answers with crocodile tears and Amazon propaganda.

Humor: Trump, “Reality” TV, and another Brilliant Cabinet Meeting

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"I am planning a three-hour television special, 'The Toughest Decision in History,' where I will announce the biggest decision I have ever faced, in fact, the biggest decision that any political leader has ever faced. It will be incredible TV. Tremendous TV."

7(0) Deadly Sins: Clifford’s Five-Year Plan For Surviving Trump

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In purging Trump from your mind, my wife advised, “Start with something simple. In March begin with the beastly length of his ties. In April add that for all his money, he employs cheap tailors and none of his suits fit."

Humor: Tips on Buying Off Shakedown Artists on the Phone

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It was Seattle City light threatening to turn off my electricity unless I paid them $857 immediately. I told them to collect a $1,000 Amazon gift card.