Sen. Heartless Has a PR Problem

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Sending out the Senator's heart to aggrieved communities creates a tricky logistical problem.

Stocks Down? Don’t Worry. Be Happy.

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Don’t stew over the next Covid surge or Monkeypox, since these diseases create investment opportunities.

Boeing: Move to DC is all About Our Values

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"We are moving to Arlington to concentrate on lobbying, coopting regulators, buying politicians, sucking up to Generals, flattering bigwigs, cozying up to reporters, and misinforming the public."

Hey Baby – Hot 4U Wants 2B Your Friend!

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Age makes some men look very distinguished. I am probably one of them.

Critical Math Theory: Parents Don’t Like it!

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Exploitive Math is analytical, and therefore, by definition, divisive.

City Council’s Magic Bullet for Shoplifting: The Municipal Fencing Department

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The City Council promptly endorsed this proposal, 6-3, stating that the new department would “protect this marginalized group from economic exploitation and a toxic work environment, end the tyranny of a brutal criminal gang, and not only pay for itself but actually run a surplus.

Twenty-two Reasons for Inflation

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Inflation should be treated as a public health problem. Let the CDC and Fauci fight inflation.

Scandale: Puccini’s newly discovered La boheme Sequel (Marcello as Hedge Fund Manager)

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When Puccini died in 1924, it was rumored that he was working on a sequel...

Northwest Rain: ‘How Horrible Is the Day!’

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The poet Richard Hugo wrote of "the moody damp and wanton rain."  He said: "What is harsh about this rain-soaked landscape is the bone-infecting, soul-deranging, forest-brooding damp." 

Supreme Court: Reaffirms the Inalienable Right to Infect

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The majority Justices found that “penumbra of the second amendment” established the inalienable right to infect.

The Biden Doctrine: Pummeling Putin with Words

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The Adjectival School, favored by the career diplomats, advocate strengthening Biden’s message by placing a triple adjective before every warning, for example, “further aggression against Ukraine will have massive, massive, massive, massive, massive, massive consequences and will carry a very, very, very high price.” 

Limited Time Offer! My Business College for the Real World

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“How to Cook the Books” will be a required core course at my new Seattle-based Graduate School of Real Business, that will disrupt the MBA industry by teaching the skills students actually need to succeed in business.

Gettin’ Down with the New In Crowd (A Primer)

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Moral superiority is rewarding if outrage and umbrage is your idea of fun. If not, reconsider cool.

Exclusive! Sneak Peak at My Futuristic Satirical Novel Every Publisher Rejected

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A publisher writes: "You fill your book with conspiracy theories so laughable they would not find an adherent in a lunatic asylum. This is not funny. This is sick beyond imagination. This is where I threw the manuscript into a wastebasket."

Love and the New Hookups: Politics First!

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No one is looking for love. Everyone wants political validation. Who needs love, affection, and empathy when shared umbrage, common political enemies, and reciprocal moral smugness are now the foundation of a lasting relationship?

An Astrid By Any Other Name…

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Today’s parents, thinking that the name Astrid contributes a half-step rise in social statue, fail to realize that their peers from similar families, schools, and social backgrounds also think the name Astrid connotes eminence. Quickly Astrid will forfeit its cachet.

And Here Comes Texas To Save us From “Fake” History

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In the special session, Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick and House Speaker Dade Phelan hope to enact “Perpetual Packing” legislation to strengthen second amendment rights. This bill requires “real patriots” to always carry one or more firearms, even when showering.

How to Speak Like an Art Expert (in Seven Easy Lessons)

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Sign up for our offer, and you will be considered a cognoscente of painting, classical music, opera, literature, poetry and theatre, while remaining ignorant of these subjects. But you must act now. We have only a few openings left.

Weather Wimps get the Collywobbles over a Heat Wave

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There are reasons that the weather wimps have collywobbles. We can't drive in snow (or plow it), and Seattle is the least air-conditioned big city in the nation.

How to fight the Hackers? Subject ’em to Tech Support!

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“Freezings, unexplained terminations and WI-FI disconnections enhance the enemy’s feeling of hopelessness and impotence. We then precipitate paroxysms of rage by randomly posting undecipherable screen messages."

Tossed Word Salad

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I’m fairly adept at languages, but this language has me struggling with my own mother tongue.

Why Congress Shows Lovin’ on America’s Most-Respected Institution

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Sample testimony: “General, the other party makes insinuations that our heroic military has won only one of the last five wars it fought. This is fake news!. Have they forgotten our glorious victory in Grenada?"

Steve Ballmer and Bill Gates Walk into a Bar…

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Back in the 70s, Seattleites regarded humor much as New Yorkers regarded hiking. They understood that some people enjoyed it, wondered if they should try it, but didn’t know what equipment they needed.

Holy Florida Congressman, Batman!

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“Consider Matt Gaetz’s contrived, counterfeit smile. He stole that directly from The Joker. Look at them side by side. The same maniacal face. The same evil grin,” said a spokesperson for Warner Brothers, the owner of DC Comics.

New Force of Nature Discovered

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A scientist warns: “Not only is the quantity of bullshit growing at twice the rate of underlying communications; the density of bullshit is also escalating, largely due to Fox News."

America’s Dictator Waiver Through the Years

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From 1945 until 2016 toleration was the fundamental principle of American foreign policy. The United States tolerated thuggish Dictators so long as they were our thuggish Dictators. The United States required every allied thuggish Dictator to annually file the one page affidavit.

Demi-Semi-Literally: Who Pronounces the “t” in Often?

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Ever since its founding document proclaimed that “all men are created equal,” the supply of status in America has been inadequate. Any method to appropriate distinction, even though mispronunciation, will flourish.

S’no Joke: Weather Comes to Seattle

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Seattleites have long had a love-hate relationship with snowy weather, just as they did over the weekend when the region was blanketed with shovel-loads...

After Trump, Where’s my Satire Going to Come From?

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With Trump no longer president, I feared satirical blogging could change from guessing his next tweet to requiring real work.

Oh, Cruel! Comcast Breaks up with Fox News?

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Post Alley has managed to get its hands on a fake confidential memo from the CEO of Comcast to the leadership of Fox News