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Tuesday, September 29, 2020

Being the DJ in my Head Should be a Dream Job. Alas…

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Unfortunately, my DJ has hideous taste in music. He loves songs from my pre-pubescent days in the early 1950s. Songs like "How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?"

My Exclusive Interview with Q, Rebutting The New York Times

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Q: "Most Satanist pedophiles dine on young children because they like the taste. Hillary traces her weight gain on her fondness for Fricassee de Babbim while Soros routinely gorges on Jeune Fille a la Hongrois."

Heaven Has a Branding Problem, And I’m Happy To Be A Consultant

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Satan’s brand promise—anger, greed sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony—is compelling.to Millennials. Heaven’s core brand message, The Ten Commandments, is unconvincing and lacks top-of-mind awareness.

Executive “Outplacement”: How To Flatter Trump Into Leaving

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Think about renaming public squares, with fine statues of King Don in the middle (renaming Lafayette Square across from the White House is an obvious first choice).

Uh Oh: Herd Immunity To Facts Is Rising

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Clearly, the problem lies neither with native intelligence nor education. The problem is that the population of the deep south have developed a herd immunity to facts.

Do You Speak Seattle? Nineteen Ways To Say No

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The trick is to say no, ever so politely, and in a way that discourages the favor-seeker from persisting. Practicing inflection is key.

Who Is That Masked Woman? Plus: Comets And Jokey Names

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Masks, however problematic, are a symbol of caring for others, trying to protect one another against transmission of a nasty virus. That said, I can't help wishing that I had better constructed ears.

If God Has Anointed Trump, Is It Time To Dump God?

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“The Christian God seems to be losing it,” an unhappy Southern Baptist says. “He anointed Trump. Whom will He anoint next? Nicolás Maduro? Kim Jung-Un? Betsy DeVos?”

Let’s Get Real: A (Modest) Proposal For A New National Anthem

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You can't remember the words. You can’t sing the tune, which was composed for drunken Brits. So c'mon, let's designate a new anthem that really reflects America's values...

Trump: Standing Up For Our Freedom To Infect

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Trump: "Face masks are the Green New Deal. Face Masks are socialism. Real Americans don’t wear face masks. Real Americans infect. FTI! Freedom to Infect!”

Inside the Idiocracy: Alexa Answers it All for You

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A Snide Steven tries and fails to get Alexa clued in to the pandemic's costs. Alexa answers with crocodile tears and Amazon propaganda.

Humor: Trump, “Reality” TV, and another Brilliant Cabinet Meeting

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"I am planning a three-hour television special, 'The Toughest Decision in History,' where I will announce the biggest decision I have ever faced, in fact, the biggest decision that any political leader has ever faced. It will be incredible TV. Tremendous TV."

7(0) Deadly Sins: Clifford’s Five-Year Plan For Surviving Trump

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In purging Trump from your mind, my wife advised, “Start with something simple. In March begin with the beastly length of his ties. In April add that for all his money, he employs cheap tailors and none of his suits fit."

Humor: Tips on Buying Off Shakedown Artists on the Phone

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It was Seattle City light threatening to turn off my electricity unless I paid them $857 immediately. I told them to collect a $1,000 Amazon gift card.

Bullshitting Versus Lying — There’s A Difference, You Know

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If Trump is not to blame for all the bullshit in America, what is? Higher education.