Exclusive! Sneak Peak at My Futuristic Satirical Novel Every Publisher Rejected

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A publisher writes: "You fill your book with conspiracy theories so laughable they would not find an adherent in a lunatic asylum. This is not funny. This is sick beyond imagination. This is where I threw the manuscript into a wastebasket."

Love and the New Hookups: Politics First!

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No one is looking for love. Everyone wants political validation. Who needs love, affection, and empathy when shared umbrage, common political enemies, and reciprocal moral smugness are now the foundation of a lasting relationship?

An Astrid By Any Other Name…

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Today’s parents, thinking that the name Astrid contributes a half-step rise in social statue, fail to realize that their peers from similar families, schools, and social backgrounds also think the name Astrid connotes eminence. Quickly Astrid will forfeit its cachet.

And Here Comes Texas To Save us From “Fake” History

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In the special session, Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick and House Speaker Dade Phelan hope to enact “Perpetual Packing” legislation to strengthen second amendment rights. This bill requires “real patriots” to always carry one or more firearms, even when showering.

How to Speak Like an Art Expert (in Seven Easy Lessons)

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Sign up for our offer, and you will be considered a cognoscente of painting, classical music, opera, literature, poetry and theatre, while remaining ignorant of these subjects. But you must act now. We have only a few openings left.

Weather Wimps get the Collywobbles over a Heat Wave

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There are reasons that the weather wimps have collywobbles. We can't drive in snow (or plow it), and Seattle is the least air-conditioned big city in the nation.

How to fight the Hackers? Subject ’em to Tech Support!

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“Freezings, unexplained terminations and WI-FI disconnections enhance the enemy’s feeling of hopelessness and impotence. We then precipitate paroxysms of rage by randomly posting undecipherable screen messages."

Tossed Word Salad

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I’m fairly adept at languages, but this language has me struggling with my own mother tongue.

Why Congress Shows Lovin’ on America’s Most-Respected Institution

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Sample testimony: “General, the other party makes insinuations that our heroic military has won only one of the last five wars it fought. This is fake news!. Have they forgotten our glorious victory in Grenada?"

Steve Ballmer and Bill Gates Walk into a Bar…

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Back in the 70s, Seattleites regarded humor much as New Yorkers regarded hiking. They understood that some people enjoyed it, wondered if they should try it, but didn’t know what equipment they needed.

Holy Florida Congressman, Batman!

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“Consider Matt Gaetz’s contrived, counterfeit smile. He stole that directly from The Joker. Look at them side by side. The same maniacal face. The same evil grin,” said a spokesperson for Warner Brothers, the owner of DC Comics.

New Force of Nature Discovered

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A scientist warns: “Not only is the quantity of bullshit growing at twice the rate of underlying communications; the density of bullshit is also escalating, largely due to Fox News."

America’s Dictator Waiver Through the Years

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From 1945 until 2016 toleration was the fundamental principle of American foreign policy. The United States tolerated thuggish Dictators so long as they were our thuggish Dictators. The United States required every allied thuggish Dictator to annually file the one page affidavit.

Demi-Semi-Literally: Who Pronounces the “t” in Often?

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Ever since its founding document proclaimed that “all men are created equal,” the supply of status in America has been inadequate. Any method to appropriate distinction, even though mispronunciation, will flourish.

S’no Joke: Weather Comes to Seattle

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Seattleites have long had a love-hate relationship with snowy weather, just as they did over the weekend when the region was blanketed with shovel-loads...

After Trump, Where’s my Satire Going to Come From?

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With Trump no longer president, I feared satirical blogging could change from guessing his next tweet to requiring real work.

Oh, Cruel! Comcast Breaks up with Fox News?

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Post Alley has managed to get its hands on a fake confidential memo from the CEO of Comcast to the leadership of Fox News

Wanted: Who’ll Be Trump’s Alpha Lizard Replacement?

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An expert explains: "Trump has mastered all patterns of Lizard communications including head-bobbing, tail waving, opening jaws wide, sticking out dewlaps (the fold of loose skin hanging from the neck), and exposing brightly colored undersides. Thus, when Trump speaks, his Base become Beta Lizards receiving orders from the Alpha Lizard.”

The League of Cannibalistic Satanist Pedophiles Has a PR Problem

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“Recruitment for the League is declining in all target categories except for the Foodies. But where else can a gourmet find a menu like ours? Also, younger members are leaving us to practice Satanism-lite with The Young Republicans.”

So Long, 2020. Time to Walk the Doggerel

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Let’s hope the new year swiftly brings (among a raft of other things) no Covid surges in the news, no tales of crowded ICUs, a chance to browse in aisles of books drink bistro wine while garlic cooks.

Gettysburg Too: Trump’s Crusade to Overturn Historical Fake History

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“The plan is to get this to the Supreme Court, frame it as an issue of religious freedom, and get the messhuggah Catholics to rule in our favor."

Attention OED: Time to Juvenate Many Funct and Tinct Words

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Your ebriation and sipidity are plorable. You will be a sung hero, precated and paraged for your bauchery, gradement and cadence.

Tracking the Pro-COVID Vote

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The Covid numbers are quite stable, with a slight majority not ready to die. Texas is way more ready for death than Washington state, the land of wusses. .

Yes, I Speak Car Repair: My R2-D2 Strut Bracings Are Shot?

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The trick is to run out the clock by asking a lot of seemingly-dumb questions until, exhausted, the scammers are ready for a low-ball offer.

I am Genius Hear Me Roar (So Why Didn’t I Win a MacArthur?)

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One MacArthur insider explained to loser Clifford that, “This year white males received four of the 21 awards. Hey, enough is enough.”

Now Is the Time for All Good Kindergarten Teachers to Come to the Aid...

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I understand that helping to moderate the next two debates—if they happen— will be a dark, dangerous and dirty job, but I have no doubt that the kindergarten teachers of America would step up and volunteer to perform their civic duty.

Being the DJ in my Head Should be a Dream Job. Alas…

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Unfortunately, my DJ has hideous taste in music. He loves songs from my pre-pubescent days in the early 1950s. Songs like "How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?"

My Exclusive Interview with Q, Rebutting The New York Times

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Q: "Most Satanist pedophiles dine on young children because they like the taste. Hillary traces her weight gain on her fondness for Fricassee de Babbim while Soros routinely gorges on Jeune Fille a la Hongrois."

Heaven Has a Branding Problem, And I’m Happy To Be A Consultant

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Satan’s brand promise—anger, greed sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony—is compelling.to Millennials. Heaven’s core brand message, The Ten Commandments, is unconvincing and lacks top-of-mind awareness.

Executive “Outplacement”: How To Flatter Trump Into Leaving

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Think about renaming public squares, with fine statues of King Don in the middle (renaming Lafayette Square across from the White House is an obvious first choice).