Steve for President. Here’s my Platform:

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When I read that most American voters wanted neither Trump nor Biden elected President, I thought, “Why not me?”

I am exactly two weeks younger than Biden. Although many find me disagreeable, sardonic, and neurotic, I contend I am less obnoxious than Trump. So today I announce my candidacy. 

My motto is MAYLO, Make America Younger and Less Obnoxious. (My motto is not Make America Younger and Less Obnoxious Again. As demonstrated by the Baby Boomers and Millennials, youth and obnoxiousness are positively correlated.)

My promise is Equity. What is equity? Equity means more for you and less for them. It’s what you and they deserve. 

I will start by equitably redistributing Celebrity Media Influencer Fees. As social media influencers, the Kardashian-Jenner gang has pocketed over $2 billion. What about the influencees? Without influencees, K-J would get bupkes. I will demand legislation that gives half of Celebrity social media fees to influencees. Also, their fair share of Facebook, TikTok, and Google revenues. What’s fair is fair. That’s equity!

I will make taxes equitable. The rich know that they can give the IRS either money or documents. If they file boatloads of documents, their actual tax becomes chump change. I want a tax break for the middle class. For every 12 pages of tax documentation, their tax will be reduced by $2,000.

I will also make abortion equitable. Whatever a man starts, he must carry to term. When men buy stocks or bonds, they cannot sell for nine months. Men running for President must campaign for nine months. Wimps like DeSantis could not drop out. If men get a parking ticket, their car is impounded for nine months. Diets and New Year’s resolution are enforced for nine months. I have 157 more nine-month rules for men.

Other issues:

Government Spending: Despite my middle-class tax break, I will balance the Federal budget by eliminating government waste, fraud, and inefficiency. On day one, by executive order, I will abolish the Department of Waste, The Department of Inefficiency, and The Department of Fraud. This will save taxpayers $783 billion a year. 

The Border: Instead of building walls and concentration camps, I will move the border. Our new border will be at longitude 33 degrees North, just below LA, Phoenix, and Atlanta. South of this border will become two new countries, Redneckistan and Lostcauseistan. They can deal with border problems.

Education: I am pro-Education, but anti-Elite Education. To Hell with those people who think that they are better than us because they’re thinner.

Gender: The Right insists on only two. The left lists 74. I say compromise on 36.

Climate Change: My plan is more sunshine, less heat.

Health Care: Health expenditures per person in the U.S. were $12,555 in 2022. The average of other high-income countries is $6,651. The U.S. ranks 54th in Infant mortality and 45th in life expectancy. Over half the cost of U.S. health care is consumed by trying to stick someone else with the bill. The prime objective of every player — companies, employees, health insurers, hospitals, doctors, the Federal Governments, Lawyers, HMO’s, State Governments, etc. — is to pass on the cost to some other sucker. There must be a better way. I will figure it out after I am my elected. 

MAYLO.

Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford, the former CEO of KING Broadcasting, has written humor for Crosscut.com and the Huffington Post. He is the author of "The CEO Pay Machine."

6 COMMENTS

  1. Steve, thank you! It’s a welcome slice of humor during dark times. Specially like your platform, eliminating waste, fraud and inefficiency. Also cheered for the nine-month rules. (Of course it required some mansplaining.)

  2. I note that comedians are successfully running for higher office, both serious ones and inadvertent ones. So why not Steve for mayor, as a stepping stone to the presidency?

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