How God Annointed Trump for America

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Fox News has reported that Trump is “anointed by God.” So I called up God for comment.

And it came to pass that God looked upon America and, behold, it was corrupt. And God saw that the wickedness of Americans was great. 

And God said, “Oh Americans, I am thy Lord and God. I have commanded that thou shalt have no other gods before me. Ye shall not make gods of silver, neither shall ye make gods of gold.” 

And the children of Americas did evil again in the sight of the Lord, and made gods of Dollars, and gods of High Net Worth, and gods of Megabucks, and forsook the Lord, and served not him. 

And God said, “Hear me oh my children, for these are false idols.  Do not idolize put/call straddles, NINJA loans (no income, no job, no assets), tranches of sub-prime mortgage backed securities, and crypto arbitrage strategies.”

And God said, “It shall be, if the children of America forget the Lord thy God, and walk after other gods, and serve them, and worship them, I testify against you this day that ye shall surely perish.”

Yet the children of America turned from following the Lord and made gods of evil billionaires–the Hedge Fund Managers who live on insider trading, the Private Equity Partners who bankrupt sound companies, and the overpaid CEOs who steal from their own shareholders.  

And the wrath of God was revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men. “Woe unto you,” saith the Lord, “who do not head my word. I tell Americans to turn the other cheek and they ask, ‘How can I make money doing that?’ I, your Lord and God, tell Americans to love your neighbor as yourself, and they ask, ‘how much does that pay?’

“I tell them to keep Holy the Sabbath. Yet, manically do they cheer as NFL gladiators inflict chronic traumatic encephalopathy on their opponents. And I tell Americans that the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, is unclean. Ye shall not eat of their flesh. 

“And yet Americans vex Me and believe there is carve out for Chinese restaurants where they can enjoy Mu Shu Pork and Pork with Bean Sprouts.  I, your Lord thy God, say there is no carve out for Chinese Restaurants. Where did you get this crazy idea?”

The Lord created America, and it grieved him at His heart because they had forsaken Him. And it provoked His anger. And the Lord said, “I am a jealous God, and will visit the iniquity on the Americans. My wrath shall be kindled against this place and shall not be quenched.”

And the Lord said, “I shall destroy the America that I have created. I smote Egypt with plagues and destroyed all the land thereof. But I shall not smite America with plagues of frogs or locusts, or even lice or flies. For this will not satisfy my wrath. Nor will I cause rain upon the America for 40 days and 40 nights. For this also will not satisfy my wrath.

“I shall poison America, and its traditions and its beliefs. I shall rend asunder its social fabric.  America shall become a desolate land where truth has no meaning, but everywhere lying triumphs and conspiracy theories and disinformation suffocate mere facts.

“The con artists shall prosper while the honest workers get fleeced. Tribal hatred and battles shall prevail. Trust in government, law, and customs shall disappear. Rage shall replace civility. Vengeance shall supplant mercy. Digital death threats shall displace reasoned deliberation.

“Brother shall turn against brother and fathers shall turn against their own children. The rich shall pay no taxes while the poor suffer, yet the rich shall blame all grievances on the poor. The best will lack all conviction, while the worst will be full of passionate intensity.”

And the Lord said, “I shall not inflict a plague on America. I shall anoint Donald Trump and inflict him on America.”

Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford, the former CEO of KING Broadcasting, has written humor for Crosscut.com and the Huffington Post. He is the author of "The CEO Pay Machine."

7 COMMENTS

  1. Confusing. If God hath anointed the Orange Serpent to punish America, would it be sinful to try to smite him at the ballot box? Or, is this another one of those frequent tests imposed on us by the Almighty Themself and loudly announced by the cunning FOX?

  2. Red meat for rabid Leftists? Must be an ‘in the eye of the beholder’ thing but this mockfest isn’t working.

  3. Go ahead and smite. No use second guessing Their Allmightyness.

    I have to say that some levity is a relief, because this time the humor cut a little deep for me.

  4. And on the 8 1/2th day the Lord brought Trump Derangement Syndrome upon the people to punish them for their slick euphemisms, hypocrisies, and lame attempts at ironic humor. No more could they breathe the air of reality as they condemned their problems on old white men, through the demented old white man they anointed as their golden calf. No longer could they see the results of their policy disasters through the smoke of personality politics brought on by the TDS, and no longer could they hear the crying of the poor over the din of the even poorer foreigners who began rushing over their unguarded borders. Then God rested as he/she/it/they knew that the America being bought up by the Chinese Mu Shu Pork and Fentanyl dealers would shrivel and die like a sub-prime mortgage fraud.

    • Yeah, and a convicted felon and adjudicated rapist who has also been found guilty of business and charity fraud is gonna solve all of that. There’s nothing “deranged” about pointing these FACTS out.

      At this point if you’re defending Cheetolini you’re either a sucker or a liar of a lying sucker. Which is it?

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