Re-Elect God? Isn’t He Too Old for the Job?


God is not dead, but He is aging. The Biden question is timely: Is He up to the job?

God’s job approval rating in America just fell below 50%, a record low. It has fallen steadily for seven decades as Americans blamed Him for long commutes, rising gas prices, insipid TV programs, Fruit Loops with Marshmallows for breakfast, and other petty grievances.

This griping continues today. Americans describe God’s handling of inflation, immigration, and climate change as negligent, haphazard, and incompetent. These polls reveal a new worry, that God may is simply too old. All age groups, and especially the young, worry God is inflexible and out-of-touch with society today.

Religious scholars respond that God is omnitemporal. He both exists outside of physical time but is present temporally. He is never and always in time as, being Omnipresent, He is nowhere and everywhere. Young people are not buying it. Among Americans aged 18 to 35, God’s approval rating has sunk to 23%, Two-thirds of this group think God should retire.

 “He’s fatigued, “stated Joshua Brenner, a 28-year-old Crypto mining engineer. “In his prime he created the world in seven days. What has he accomplished in last seven days, or the last seven centuries? He once parted the Red Sea. Today, I hear He has problems parting his hair.””  

“He is losing it,” chimed in Hannah Mills, a 34-year-old Social Media Influencer. “He once provided free manna from Heaven. Now He offers us lattes for $8.50. I wonder if He even knows the price of eggs today?”

Such talk increased after rumors hinted that God confused Margot Robbie with St. Teresa, and issued baffling decrees, including, “Let all office buildings be built upside down.”  

Four out five Americans think the Ten Commandments need refreshing. “Is coveting thy neighbor’s Ox or Donkey still a top ten Nish Nish?” asked Tech Wiz Hu Nu. “If you could prohibit ten things, would you include, “Don’t get the hots for the donkey across the street.”

Others find the Ten Commandments implacable and autocratic. Even Evangelicals are asking how the stolen election of 2020 could be part of God’s plan. “If God is all knowing and all powerful, He should be accountable for the 2020 election fraud,” said televangelist Morton Howard. 

Cadwallader Brooks, an advertising executive, complains that God’s management system is outmoded and inefficient.  “He clings to the obsolete Triune Management System–one being, eternally existing in three persons,” Brooks lamented. “It’s a mystery. Nobody knows who is in charge of anything. There is no accountability, only endless finger pointing and then blaming the Devil.  

Four out five Americans think the Ten Commandments need refreshing. “Is coveting thy neighbor’s Ox or Donkey still a top ten Nish Nish? asked Tech Wiz Hu Nu. “If you could prohibit ten things, would you include “Don’t get the hots for the donkey across the street.”

“Why not ‘The Ten Suggestions’ or ‘Ten Sure-Fire Tips for a Heavenly Resume?’” asked Noah Rogan, a 22-year-old life coach.  Rogan’s advice to God, “It is 2024. Stop being so uptight about adultery.”

Cadwallader Brooks added that only a radical rebranding can raise God’s approval rating. “God needs a new logo, an impactful mission statement, compelling visual imagery–fonts, typefaces, color scheme, illustration style, etc. “He needs a new tagline as His cornerstone of brand architecture,” Brooks proposed. “Then He must redefine brand DNA and brand image, reawaken top-of-mind brand awareness, rebuild brand loyalty, reignite brand excitement, and reinvigorate all components of brand equity.”

Previously, whenever God’s ratings dropped, the Devil’s approval ratings increased. However, today the Devil’s approval rating is also at record lows. This may be due to the Trump effect — who needs the Devil when Donald Trump is around? Also, the Devil is nearly as old as God.  Americans may be demanding a both new God and a new Devil. 

In a podcast last week, Steve Bannon said, “We need a new God. A God who understands our problems; an inflation-fighting God to bring down the price of butter; an anti-immigrant God to seal our borders; a modern God communicating through Instagram and Facebook rather than tablets; a God you would like to have a beer with; a God who does not put patriots in jail.”

The survey revealed that most desired feature in a new God is providing financial bonuses for faith and good works, not in heaven but during one’s lifetime on earth.

Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford, the former CEO of KING Broadcasting, has written humor for and the Huffington Post. He is the author of "The CEO Pay Machine."


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