Have you been harmed by America? You may be eligible for compensation…

Application for Anti-Weaponization Funds

DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE Form 1776 C-4

If you believe you have been harmed by Biden’s weaponization of the law, fill out this application form to be considered for your share of the slush fund. Note: If you are Black, Muslim, or Immigrant DO NOT file Form 1776 c-4.  Instead, please file Form R U Kidding-86.

Please complete the multiple-choice questions below. Choose all answers which apply.

January 6 Patriates answer question 1.

Other applicants answer question 2.

All applicants answer questions 3 through 7.

1. January 6 Patriates only: what did you do on January 6, 2021?
   • Sprayed Police officers in the face with bear mace, pepper spray, and chemical agents, causing chemical burns and temporary blindness.
   • Beat officers with flagpoles, metal pipes, hockey sticks, crutches, and stolen police shields causing traumatic brain injuries, concussions, broken teeth, and cracked ribs.
   • Farted in Nancy Pelosi’s office.
   • Dressed in a headdress of buffalo horns and coyote skins, face paint, and no shirt.
   • Exercised my First, Second and Twenty-first (repeal of prohibition) Amendment rights.
     
2. Other applicants only: how were you financially wronged by the Biden administration?
   • Pressured to pay Federal taxes, even as a real estate developer.
   • Bankrupted by the price of eggs.
   • Defrauded by Hunter Biden’s laptop.
   • Prodded by Obamacare to spend excessively on health care.
   • Lost money in prediction markets betting that Joe Biden had not yet reached the third stage of dementia.
     
3. What amount of money do you deserve?
   • Megabucks
   • How much have you got?
   • Generational wealth
   • A King’s ransom
   • Chump change
     
4. What is your level of greed?
   • Massive
   • Prodigious
   • Stupendous
   • Brobdingnagian
   • Trumpian
     
5. If you receive anti-weaponization funds, what percentage will you spend on Official Trump ($TRUMP) crypto coins?
   • 10%
   • 25%
   • 250%
   • 600%
   • More than infinity.
     
6. Which description best defines Donald Trump?
   • A very stable genius.
   • The greatest American President.
   • The greatest Hero in history.
   • Should join the Holy Trinity, replacing the Holy Ghost, who is no longer pulling his weight.
   • All of the above.
     
7. Which Trump Products Have You Purchased?
   • Trump Bibles
   • Trump Steaks
   • Trump Sneakers
   • Trump Vodka
   • Debtor in Position (DIP) loans on Trump’s bankrupt casinos

HOW TO FILE

January 7 Patriates

You may file your application with The Proud Boys, The Oath Keepers, The Three Percenters, Groypers, QAnon or any other equally conspiratorial paramilitary gang.

All Others

Your application must:

1. Present proof that you are a resident of the United States. We accept leases, rental receipts, property deeds,title insurance policies, mortgage statements, family office reports, or your history of Amazon delivered purchases.
2. Be certified by a Trump-appointed Federal Judge, a far-right influencer with over one million followers, or Baron Trump.
3. Include a Villanelle, a highly structured 19-line poem featuring five tercets (three-line stanzas) and a final quatrain (four lines), with two repeating rhymes and two refrains, which disparages DEI.
4. Attach a three-page panegyric for each of these four ex-cabinet members: Kristi Noem, Pam Bondi, Lori Chavez-DeRemer, and Tulsi Gabbard.
5. DO NOT MAIL your application. Mail cannot be trusted. Use other forms of delivery including smoke signals, fax, Pony Express, gossip, sky writing, Linear B cuneiform incised onto clay tablets, and Navy Signal Flags.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. You’ll receive your check at the same time that you receive your Trump phone.