Reacting to criticism for pocketing over $1 billion in crypto scams, President Donald Trump announced that his latest business venture will be a gift to all Americans.
“Hard-working Americans should never be forced to spend years in a Purgatory teeming with rapists, murderers, and pet-eating illegal immigrants.
“That is why I offer TRUMP PLENARY INDULGENCES to every Faithful American.
“Nobody’s ever seen anything like it. My pardons are priced over $1 million. Influencing policy may require a Boeing 747-8 or investing $500 million in my World Liberty crypto.
“However, the Trump Get Out of Purgatory Indulgence costs almost nothing.”
Trump later added that each Trump Indulgence entailed two negligible charges. The first is $500 for administrative costs paid to GodGrift Inc, owned by Eric Triump and Donald Trump Jr.
The second is a Tithe. Trump explained that in return for an Indulgence, God requests you to pledge to Him 10 percent of your gross income for the rest of your life.
“I am just the middleman,” Trump advised. “Every Tithe I collect eventually goes to The Higher Power. God understands THE ART OF THE DEAL!
“The Faithful will be divided into four groups, and given an incredibly classy, palladium-clad, anodized titanium Indulgence Card, the likes of which no one has ever seen, to present to St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven,” Trump said.
Swindlers, adulterers, poisoners, Mafia Underbosses, Caporegimes and Consiglieres, worshipers of false idols, coveters of neighbors’ degrees from Trump University, bearers of false witness, those convicted of aggravated kidnapping, Bunco men, and burglars will receive an amazing White Gold Card with Rose Gold Trimmings and Border.
Those convicted of First-Degree Murder, pro-death and baby-killing abortion advocates, coveters of neighbor’s ox, Porche, wife, and Trump Bible, thieves, insider traders, and bank robbers will receive a beautiful Yellow Gold Card with White Gold Ornamentation, Passement, and Braiding.
Con artists, assassins, mountebanks, hit men, those who take the name of the Lord your God in vain, axe murderers, deniers of Trump’s 2020 election, immigrant pet eaters, those convicted of Aggravated Sexual Assault and Treason, coveters of neighbor’s losses on $Trump Memecoins, and money launderers will receive a bigly gorgeous Rose Gold Card with Yellow Gold Piping and Green Gold Adornment.
Nudnicks, Putzes, Schnorrers, Shmos, Shkotzim, Shlemazels, Shmendriks, Goniffs, Schmucks, Climate change believers, progressive voters, coveters of neighbors’ MAGA hats, those convicted of Armed Robbery and Major Drug Trafficking, those who dishonor their mothers and fathers, embezzlers, and DUI’s will receive a classy Green Gold Card with Yellow Gold Purfling, Rose Gold Passementerie, and White Gold Fimbriations, Frills and Embroidery.
Regarding Trump’s Indulgences, Press secretary Karoline Leavitt said it is “ridiculous that anyone in this room would even suggest that President Trump is doing anything for his own benefit.”
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