Dear Canada: We’re so Sorry!

Dear Canada. We’re Sorry. (And no, I’m not saying it with a funny accent, like sore-ee. I truly mean it.) We have elected a buffoon, not once, but twice, and we feel horrible that he has – for no apparent reason – started a chaotic trade war with one of our favorite countries. 

After President Trump imposed 50% tariffs on over $20 billion dollars of Canadian products this weekend, Prime Minister Mark Carney finally had enough, and issued a dollar for dollar retaliatory tariff against the United States. And when you piss off a Canadian, especially one as sweet and polite as Mr. Carney, you know you’ve operated in bad faith. Canada is doing what’s in the best interests of Canada, its families, farmers and small business owners. Go figure, eh? Seems like OUR best interests would be not to fight with friendly neighbors and rock-solid allies, but things are clearly wackadoo here as of late. (As an example of the madness, Trump demanded on TruthSocial that Canada change its French language and Quebec culture as a condition for reversing tariffs. Perhaps he’d like Nanaimo bars for life as well.)

Frankly, I’m surprised more countries haven’t banded together to fight our economic threats (much less military ones…an apology to Greenland is ALSO long overdue). My family has roots in Ukraine — and we all thought supporting their democratic aspirations and mighty struggles against the Ruskies would be a no-brainer… “Both sides?” Think not!

As a lifelong Seattleite, this breakup with the Land of the Maple Leaf hits particularly hard. In middle school my folks hosted Canadian kids for sleepovers when we played soccer against youth Snowbird teams in the pouring rain and laughed our asses off aboot each other’s accents. As a teen, we sailed in international regattas in the Strait of Juan de Fuca at Camp Nor ‘Westor and the Hosers had the prettiest girls, by far. In the 90’s, we crossed the border to smoke semi-legal weed in Vansterdam. (And of course your drinking age is still only 18.) My go-to Valentines Day date for decades was taking the Victoria Clipper to a cheap bed and breakfast. Hell, my family just jammed into a Kenmore Air seaplane and flew directly into the gorgeous Vancouver Harbor. And we’ve been jealous of your universal health care system since 1971. 

Just know, my sweet Canucks, that we dislike Trump almost as much as you do: His job approval rating is 33% – among the worst in U.S. history. Here in Washington State almost sixty percent of us voted for Kamala Harris in 2024, and that we are doing everything in our power to win the midterms this November to begin the long process of change and accountability. (Right?!) In fact, as a token of my humiliation over this tariff lunacy, I’m making a contribution to the Canadian Red Cross. (Regarding your wildfires, we know firsthand how dangerous and devastating they are, and that it has everything to do with climate crisis, and nothing to do with “raking the forest,” whatever the heck that means…)

This nonsense will hit our own state especially hard, as over fifteen percent of our exports go over the northern border: Aerospace parts, mineral oils, heavy farm equipment, fish and seafood, apples, and onions to name a few. Our own Office of the United States Trade Representative estimates that exports support 147,000 jobs in the Evergreen State. Same is true with other border States including Michigan, Wisconsin and Ohio which export tons of auto parts and vehicles to Canada. In 2025, our two countries exchanged about $872 billion in goods and services. As far as Mango Mussolini’s most recent executive order renaming Lake Ontario (an indigenous name used long before EITHER nation had formed), instead of Lake America, may I suggest Lake Epstein?

If another country tried to bully us with haphazard tariffs and threats of takeover, we’d be rightly pissed off. So we understand you wanting to strike back. Just know that the vast majority of Americans are embarrassed about this idiocy, and are working toward change. We know this relationship will take time to mend, and we’ll be fine with you tossing your Levis and Starbucks coffee and Pearl Jam CDs into English Bay. But please don’t cut off maple syrup, Martin Short, Crown Royal, or your visitors. We love you (all).