Recently I ran into an old friend, the savviest PR professional I know. “How’s business?” I asked her.
“Good and bad. Financially, it’s great. I have a client with a massive PR headache and an unlimited budget,” she answered.
“Sounds great. What is the bad part?”
“The client is The League of Cannibalistic Satanist Pedophiles.”
“Isn’t that Hillary Clinton’s and George Soros’ operation?” I asked.
“Yes, and we are getting hammered by QAnon on social media.”
“Tough assignment?” I asked.
“I’ve worked for tobacco companies, strip miners, and pay-day lenders. Hell, I’ve even worked for Seattle City Council members. But this is the most demanding PR challenge I have ever faced. I can shield a single abomination. Pedophiles? Doesn’t everyone love children? Satanists? Nothing ups your game like a good opponent; Satan is actually helping God. Cannibals? Every herd benefits from thinning. But how do I justify triple depravity–cannibalism, Satanism, and pedophilia?”
“Is the League of Cannibalistic Satanist Pedophiles easy to work with?”
“They’re impossible. Hillary is the chair. When planning to run for president, Goldman Sachs offered her $525,000 for three speeches. This sounded great to her. That’s how much she knows about PR, but she thinks she’s an expert.”
“How is the rest of the board?”
“It is total chaos. George Soros, Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Pope Francis, and the Dalai Lama are so self-absorbed that they couldn’t agree on lunch.”
“I thought they could agree to order out from the Comet Ping Pong in Washington D.C, famed for Pizzagate,” I said.
“Very funny, but there is no adrenochrome in pizza,” she explained. “This group eats only foods laced with adrenochrome.”
“What is adrenochrome?” I asked.
“It is a chemical that league members extract from the pineal glands of young children before roasting or braising them, depending on the child’s age. Show biz celebrities such as Tom Hanks, Ellen DeGeneres, Sandra Bullock, and Chrissy Teigen are addicted to it. It extends life and keeps them looking young.”
“Are all League members Satanists?”
“Most are, but some are Evangelicals.”
“How do you tell them apart?”
“The Satanists are less dogmatic and more open to new ideas. Regarding abortion, the Evangelicals are anti-choice while the Satanists are pro-death.”
“Are Q’s accusations and conspiracy theories hindering the League?”
“Recruitment is declining in all target categories excepts for the Foodies. But where else can a gourmet find a menu like ours? Also, younger members are leaving us to practice Satanism-lite with The Young Republicans.”
“You do have a difficult assignment. How will you defend a client who is pro-death, worships Satan, abducts children for their pineal glands and then east them?”
“Use your opponent force against him. We admit to Satanism, pedophilia, and cannibalism, but beg forgiveness because, at least, we’re not Donald Trump.
“Brilliant,” I said.
“That’s why I make the big bucks.”