The Jokes on Trump (Vote!)

”Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against.”
– W. C. Fields 

It’s hard to write about the ongoing attempts to destroy our democracy without turning everyone off. And, as a humor writer, it’s even more of a challenge. Grift and hypocrisy are certainly ripe for laughs – but at the cost of being true.

A Democrat and a Republican walk into a bar. They sit down, order drinks, and have a great time. The bartender says, “Is this a joke?”

There’s plenty of absurdity to crack up about: An egotistic moron failing to fix a pond, when his main mantra was to drain the swamp in DC is damn funny. But the ICE raids? Not so humorous. It’s hilarious when a cosplaying ex-FoxNews host accidentally sends classified documents to a reporter in a group chat. But the War in Iran? Not so much. And though Robert Kennedy Jr. eating roadkill is most definitely laughable, his destruction of scientific standards is not. 

The most effective comedian in getting under Donny’s thin, puffy pink skin is clearly Jimmy Kimmel, whose approach has been to tell brutally honest jokes and then genuinely guffaw about it. He’ll show a clip of the Orange Buffoon sleeping in the Oval or babbling nonsensically or spewing a whopper and simply expel a belly laugh, allowing us to chuckle along.

The nicknames from Kimmel are superb: Don Whoreleone, Fiberace, Teddy Dozevelt, MAGA Theresa, Groper Cleveland, Vladimir Gluten and so many more. Other comics are also hitting the mark: John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight is wickedly funny, and the show’s approach is more documentary than comedy – he brings receipts. (Often Don Jr’s…) Standup Trae Crowder calls himself a liberal redneck, and does a fab job explaining who the hell voted for this conman, and why it’s tragi-comic. And the gang at The Daily Show have been killing it since the War(s) in Iraq.

“No party can fool all the people all the time—that’s why we have two of them.” Bob Hope

Sadly Hunter S. Thompson is no longer with us, as he would have gone hog wild on the Trump coins and Gulf of America nonsense. Thompson famously wrote “a sense of humor is the main measure of sanity.” (That and a suitcase of pharmaceuticals.) He described Richard Nixon as having “the integrity of a hyena and the style of a poison toad.” Imagine what he’d have said about lizard Stephen Miller. 

There have been a plethora of hysterical incidents in TrumpTown ripe for mockery. The MAGA Music Festival starring Kid Rock and Dog the Bounty Hunter just got canceled after selling only six VIP tickets. (That’s actually more than I imagined.) Rudy Giuliani’s accidental press conference at Four Seasons Landscaping was stranger than fiction, and the Stormy Daniels affair was endlessly amusing (until it reminded us of his sexual assault on E. Jean Carroll, and the entire Epstein files debacle).

Stable McGenius staring directly into a solar eclipse was solidly ludicrous, as are his nonsensical rants on windmills and Greenland and his billion-dollar ballroom. Pretty much says it all that the Made In America President has his red MAGA hats made in China. One the one hand, he’s a bumbling jackass worthy of merciless mocking, on the other, he led the deadly January 6th Insurrection. It’s as confusing as a sad clown face. 

“Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.” Winston Churchill

George Carlin said he only watched the news to be entertained, and Fox News certainly delivers. My strategy is to survive five minutes of their propaganda a day without taking a baseball bat to my flatscreen. Sean Hannity’s head is truly the size of a watermelon, and probably as dense. It’s like looking at Howdy Doody – if Howdy was a fascist. And when I gaze at how miserable the entire motley crew of talking heads at Faux News are in their pathetic efforts to please Dear Leader, I feel better about my own life. 

During the George Floyd protests, I remember stopping into a coffee shop in the CHOP zone on Cap Hill. I sat down on the edge of the community garden with my java, and tapped on a FoxNews Alert on my phone. They were showing burning cars and violent rioting, with the headline, “Seattle On Fire: Total Anarchist Mayhem.” I think the footage was from Afghanistan, but clearly not my town. I sipped my coffee on a beautiful Pacific Northwest day and thought, “sometimes you just have to laugh.”

A Democrat told her Republican friend that she’s leaving the country if Hakeem Jeffries becomes the Speaker. 

“Wait– aren’t you a Democrat?” asked the Republican. 

“Yeah. I just need a vacation.” 

It would do us all a bit of good to maintain both a sense of humor and outrage during this authoritarian jackbootery. In fact, political demonstrations in the States have often used humor to make a point—a tactic known as “laughtivism.” It worked at the Boston Tea Party in our fight for independence in 1773. In 1840, opponents of William Henry Harrison mocked his age (67!) and suggested he retire to a log cabin and drink hard cider for the rest of his days. His campaign flipped the switch and built mini log cabins on wheels and handed out the hard stuff to adoring crowds. (Poignantly terminal ending: Harrison died a month after being elected.)

The counterculture scene obviously used a weaponized hilarity– mostly due to being high as a kite. In 1968, the Youth International Party (Yippies) nominated an actual pig (Pigasus J. Pig) for the U.S. presidency at the Democratic National Convention. (Their slapstick was dubbed Groucho Marxist.) John and Yoko’s Bed-In for Peace got in on the drollery – and  millions of eyes on their opposition to the Vietnam War in 1969. 

They even use Tactical Frivolity in Texas, of all places: In 2016, students at the University of Texas at Austin strapped on dildos to protest Texas’ new “campus carry” law permitting licensed gun owners to carry concealed handguns to class. Undergrads handed out over 5,000 dildos (all donated by a local sex shop). The Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army combined civil disobedience and actual clowning skills to mock George Bush and oppose the military industrial complex. (Operation Mass Distraction was truly genius, and their Make Poverty History march inspired organizers worldwide.)  

CODEPINK has used theatrical stunts to push for peace for over a decade, and their Pussy-Hats and “Billionaires For Trump” skits appeared at rightwing rallies long before Jordan Klepper ever held the mic. More recently, pro-choice activists sent hand-knitted uteruses to legislators who attempted to destroy family planning options. The Giant Baby Trump floats outside his inauguration were a great start of clowning a clown. And our friends in Portland led the charge of standing up to armed ICE agents in riot gear, confronting them with outrageous and lovable inflatable frog and dino costumes. 

The No Kings rallies have also added to the joyous grassroots movement, with some of the most clever protest signs ever made. (“IKEA Has Better Cabinets” and “We Shall Overcomb,” both personal favs.) Guerrilla artists are also getting in on the fun: Artist Robin Bell has been projecting slogans on the entrance of Trump Hotels, like “Pay Trump Bribes Here.” A ten foot “Iran War Participation Trophy” was spot on, as was the “Jeffrey Epstein Walk of Shame” with Hollywood-style stars bearing the names of key politicos mentioned in the files. Using humor as a weapon – at peaceful protests- also just feels good. 

In addition to mocking Mango Mussolini in gonzo essays, my recent contribution has been the creation of the Higher Ground Ballot Box. Working with a cannabis company called Saints, we included a QR code on a package of prerolls that immediately registers you to vote at Headcount. The Ballot Box includes five potent joints, a mini-American flag, and the Bill of Rights. In addition to registering folks to vote, it puts them in a MUCH better mood till Election Day. 

They say comedy is hard, and being serious doesn’t have to be solemn. We can and must all do our part in maintaining our wits and funny bone to have the energy to fight the powers that be (who clearly are doing things that are not at all funny). We ALSO need to join like-minded organizations and people working on issues in the real world. Activity really is the best antidote to taming anxiety. 

The best joke of all will be Trump humiliated and defeated, and the photo that shows up when you ask ChatGPT for the most embarrassing human in history. But before that happens, allow me to end with this:

Bush, Obama and Trump go to a job interview with God.
God asks Bush: “What do you believe in?” 
Bush says: “I believe in the free market, and a strong American nation!” 
“Very well,” says God. “Come sit to my right.” 
Next, God asks Obama: “What do you believe in?” 
Obama replies: “I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all.” 
“All right,” says God. “You shall sit to my left.” 
Finally, God asks Trump: “What do you believe in?” 
Trump answers: “I believe you’re sitting in my chair.”

Now make sure to vote. If everything goes wrong, at least you’ll have the last laugh and can blame everyone else.