87.9 F
Seattle
Sunday, June 26, 2022

Sen. Heartless Has a PR Problem

Image by James Chan from Pixabay

The Senator’s press secretary said reporters were asking for a statement on the latest school shooting.

“Give them the usual,” he answered. “In the midst of this great tragedy, my heart goes out to aggrieved families of Central Podunk. Now is the time for coming together and healing. Now is not the time for finger pointing and political posturing. Add mental health, locked doors, good guys with guns, etc. You know the drill.”

“I don’t think your heart can go out to them.”

“Why not.”

Your heart went out to aggrieved families in Buffalo, for the customary 10 days, on May 15. On May 25, instead of returning your heart to Washington D.C., you asked to send it out directly from Buffalo to the aggrieved families in Uvalde, Texas. Unfortunately, it appears that your heart is now lost on a truck somewhere between Lincoln. Nebraska and Tulsa.”

“Why didn’t you ship it by air?”

“New COVID regulations prohibit air transport of hearts.”

“That SOB Fauci. Draft a press release blasting him for this.”

“I would be happy to do that, Senator, but then we would have to reveal that you have been without a heart for over three weeks; it is now in transit between Buffalo and Uvalde, and it cannot go out to the aggrieved families of North Potlash.”

“What should we say, Madame Press Secretary?”

“Perhaps you can say that your thoughts and prayers could go out to the aggrieved families of North Potlash.”

“Thoughts and prayers? My daily prayer is ‘Lord, may my next election opponent convert to Islam.’ If five per cent of my thoughts were exposed, I’d be impeached. I’ve got a better idea. I smell an inflation issue. Too much tax and spend.  Gas over five dollars a gallon. Clogged supply chains. Biden has the economy so fucked up no one can hire a competent truck driver. Draft a press release blaming him.”

“That’s a great idea Senator, but we would still need to disclose that you have been without a heart for over three weeks.

“Hmm, that may be an opportunity, rather then a problem.”

“How so?”

“Tell them I never use my heart. I pay no attention to it. The amygdala in my limbic system, the so-called Izard brain, is the sole gland that I consult. If voters thought I listened to my heart, I’d get primaried and lose.”

“I’m on it. Senator, you’re a genius.”

“I know. That’s why I’m a Senator.”

Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford, the former CEO of KING Broadcasting, has written humor for Crosscut.com and the Huffington Post. He is the author of "The CEO Pay Machine."

Post Alley welcomes comments to our articles. Our guidelines: no personal attacks, stay on topic, add something of value to the discussion. Our editors will edit comments for clarity and to conform with our guidelines. We encourage writers to use their full names.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

LATEST

The Stones and Me: Close Encounters with Erratics

2
I like the idea of them as leftovers from the last ice age.  And I like coming upon the objects in places where I don’t expect to find them,

Dark Days: Supreme Court Overturns Roe

12
The U.S. Supreme Court, in its ruling, takes away a right from all Americans. Five Post Alley contributors react.

Jim McDermott: The Good and Bad of Serving in Congress

2
The book is a sharp, spot-on critique of Capitol Hill’s current clumsy dysfunction. Congress used to be collegial, with friendships across the aisle and a transactional culture of accommodating varied interests. No more.

Is America Falling Behind?

2
Visiting our near neighbor reminds this on-edge American that it really doesn’t have to be this way.

For Your Approval: Does Seattle Need a New Way of Electing Its Leaders?

12
Seattle City Councilmembers now have to enact Approval Voting outright or place the issue on the ballot with or without an alternative measure.

TRENDING

The Stones and Me: Close Encounters with Erratics

2
I like the idea of them as leftovers from the last ice age.  And I like coming upon the objects in places where I don’t expect to find them,

Dark Days: Supreme Court Overturns Roe

12
The U.S. Supreme Court, in its ruling, takes away a right from all Americans. Five Post Alley contributors react.

The Complicated Legacy of Julia Child

3
The show may be a fictionalized version of Child’s groundbreaking TV success, but it portrays struggles by women for recognition and equality that ring true to that era.

Jim McDermott: The Good and Bad of Serving in Congress

2
The book is a sharp, spot-on critique of Capitol Hill’s current clumsy dysfunction. Congress used to be collegial, with friendships across the aisle and a transactional culture of accommodating varied interests. No more.

The Supreme Court: Republican Majorities Since 1970

10
In fact, in every year since 1970, the majority of Supreme Court justices have been Republican appointees. Since the beginning of Chief Justice Warren Burger’s court until the death of Justice Ruth B. Ginsberg, there have been 31 Republican appointed-justices and 8 Democratic appointed-justices sitting on the Supreme Court.The Supreme