Sen. Heartless Has a PR Problem

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Image by James Chan from Pixabay

The Senator’s press secretary said reporters were asking for a statement on the latest school shooting.

“Give them the usual,” he answered. “In the midst of this great tragedy, my heart goes out to aggrieved families of Central Podunk. Now is the time for coming together and healing. Now is not the time for finger pointing and political posturing. Add mental health, locked doors, good guys with guns, etc. You know the drill.”

“I don’t think your heart can go out to them.”

“Why not.”

Your heart went out to aggrieved families in Buffalo, for the customary 10 days, on May 15. On May 25, instead of returning your heart to Washington D.C., you asked to send it out directly from Buffalo to the aggrieved families in Uvalde, Texas. Unfortunately, it appears that your heart is now lost on a truck somewhere between Lincoln. Nebraska and Tulsa.”

“Why didn’t you ship it by air?”

“New COVID regulations prohibit air transport of hearts.”

“That SOB Fauci. Draft a press release blasting him for this.”

“I would be happy to do that, Senator, but then we would have to reveal that you have been without a heart for over three weeks; it is now in transit between Buffalo and Uvalde, and it cannot go out to the aggrieved families of North Potlash.”

“What should we say, Madame Press Secretary?”

“Perhaps you can say that your thoughts and prayers could go out to the aggrieved families of North Potlash.”

“Thoughts and prayers? My daily prayer is ‘Lord, may my next election opponent convert to Islam.’ If five per cent of my thoughts were exposed, I’d be impeached. I’ve got a better idea. I smell an inflation issue. Too much tax and spend.  Gas over five dollars a gallon. Clogged supply chains. Biden has the economy so fucked up no one can hire a competent truck driver. Draft a press release blaming him.”

“That’s a great idea Senator, but we would still need to disclose that you have been without a heart for over three weeks.

“Hmm, that may be an opportunity, rather then a problem.”

“How so?”

“Tell them I never use my heart. I pay no attention to it. The amygdala in my limbic system, the so-called Izard brain, is the sole gland that I consult. If voters thought I listened to my heart, I’d get primaried and lose.”

“I’m on it. Senator, you’re a genius.”

“I know. That’s why I’m a Senator.”

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Steve Clifford, the former CEO of KING Broadcasting, has written humor for Crosscut.com and the Huffington Post. He is the author of "The CEO Pay Machine."

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