New Force of Nature Discovered

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Image by Couleur from Pixabay

Hungarian researchers say they’ve discovered a new particle that requires the existence of a fifth force of nature. This new force would supplement the four known fundamental forces of nature—gravity, the weak force, electromagnetism, and the strong force. Together these forces govern everything that happens in the universe.

Dr. Głupie Gadanie, a theoretical physicist at The Polish Academy of Sciences, believes that bullshit will be found to be the fifth fundamental force. “Bullshit is everywhere and affects everything we think and everything we do,” she explains. “It must be the fifth fundamental force. The other four fundamental forces alone could never produce this much bullshit.”

Dr. Jean Claude Connerie, who studies signaling in unicellular organisms at Université de Lyon, agrees. “Bullshit is a fundamental force of nature. Asking why there is so much bullshit today makes as much sense as asking why there is so much gravity today.  Bullshit began with the big bang and predated all multicellular organisms. My studies of single cell organisms indicate that over half of what they signal is unadulterated bullshit.”

Fifty years ago, the Leipzig polymath Dr. Volldavon Kuhscheiße speculated that bullshit might be the fifth fundamental force. Kuhscheiße believed that bullshit comprised a fixed portion of all communication. He calculated this amount, the famous Kuhscheiße constant, to be precisely 51.63%.

“Your mother loved you,” he famously stated, “but over half of what she told you was unmitigated bullshit, for example:

  • Swimming after eating causes cramps
  • Reading in low light ruins your eyes
  • Stepping on a rusty nail causes tetanus
  • Sugar makes you hyperactive

“Until you entered college, over half of what you were taught in school was pure bullshit. Then college demanded that you manufacture your own bullshit by writing final exams on Descartes’s influence on Montesquieu.”

Kuhscheiße reasoned that constancy was necessary if bullshit was the fifth force. Lacking this limit, bullshit could become so potent that it could overwhelm the other four fundamental forces.

However, scientists now question the Kuhscheiße constant. Dr. Matilde Besteira, a mathematician at Universidade de São Paulo, discovered that the formula for the Kuhscheiße constant, 10  Kg Ñ/ €× , contained a typo. Kuhscheiße mistakenly inserted the trademark symbol ™instead of c, the symbol for the speed of light in a vacuum.

“The bullshit ratio remained stable at slightly over 50% for decades,” Dr. Besteira wrote. “The increase was driven by the increase in communications. However, with the advent of the internet, bullshit now appears to be expanding exponentially.”

Dr. Besteira warns that this rate of increase threatens the very existence of the planet. “Not only is the quantity of bullshit growing at twice the rate of underlying communications; the density of bullshit is also escalating, largely due to Fox News. If this trend continues it could create a gravitational field so intense that earth could collapse on itself, creating what Astronomers call ‘a brown hole.’”

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Steve Clifford, the former CEO of KING Broadcasting, has written humor for Crosscut.com and the Huffington Post. He is the author of "The CEO Pay Machine."

1 COMMENT

  1. A fine piece of parody and I giggled throughout…you catch the sententiousness of academic discourse very nicely, and it is all bullshit…!
    One moment, though, rang a little false, I thought: the professor specifically calling out Fox News…he should have been more abstruse and recondite, I think.
    But the Brown Hole was brilliant! (So was the photo of the bull)!

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