Heaven Has a Branding Problem, And I’m Happy To Be A Consultant


Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

In my Catholic youth, I was taught to pray to patron saints to cure problems within their jurisdiction. To relieve a toothache, I prayed to St. Apollonia. She could not relieve the pain herself, but she could be my agent, interceding with God on my behalf. It was analogous to asking a Mafia underboss to put in a good for you with the Capo di Tutti Capo.  

I recently learned that the Catholic Church named Saint Isidore as the patron saint of computers, the internet and everyone who works with either. While I applaud all endeavors to bring the Church au courant, I wonder if a single individual, even a Saint, is up to this job. St. Isidore, all by himself, must care for software engineers, application developers, computer programmers, data base administrators, senior cloud architects plus everyone cursing Dell, Microsoft and Comcast. 

Assuming God would be more receptive to a petition from a Saint than a homicidal maniac, Heaven has a patron saint for murderers, St. Julian The Hospitaller. Heaven also has eight Patron Saints for ophidiophobia (fear of snakes) and another four for snakebites. There are nine patron saints for butchers (Adrian of Nicomedia, Antony the Abbot, Bartholomew, George, Lawrence, Luke, Peter, and Thomas Bellacci.)  Archers have six. 

Why doesn’t The Omniscient Almighty transfer a few of the snake bite crew to software services?  He could also reassign the patron saints of the Italian towns of Faicchio, Fivizzano, and Fossalto. These are no longer full-time jobs. 

But to get with the times Heaven needs more reassigned Patron Saints. Regarding social media, Heaven doesn’t have a clue. While Satan has pioneered the use of blogs, Facebook, and Twitter to spread lies, envy, and greed, Heaven lacks an Instagram presence and doesn’t even have a website. Heaven courts the wrong demographics–aging boomers with fixed brand preferences. Heaven’s visual imagery, a stern and demanding Old White Man, does not resonate with today’s consumers.

Satan, God’s main competitor, is hip, ironic, multicultural, and gaining market share. Satan’s brand promise—anger, greed sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony—is compelling.to Millennials. Heaven’s core brand message, The Ten Commandments, is unconvincing and lacks top-of-mind awareness. Hello, we’re no longer in the 12th century!  Who wants Commandments in the 21st century?  Switch to Ten Easy Steps to a Great Afterlife or Ten New Super Ideas for Eternal Salvation.

But Heaven must go beyond superficial brand tinkering. Heaven’s illustration style needs a redo: new fonts, new typefaces, consistent color schemes, and most of all a new logo. The cross is so tired and hackneyed. The entire brand architecture must be redesigned—brand perception, brand esteem, the look and feel–all the brand touch points.  Heaven needs a five-point rebranding program:  

  • Redefine brand DNA 
  • Reawaken brand awareness  
  • Rebuild brand loyalty 
  • Reignite brand excitement 
  • Reinvigorate all components of brand equity 

Most of all Heaven must replace its inefficient and obsolete Triune Management System. With its Three Top Executives equal in nature and substance, no one knows who’s in charge. It’s all a big mystery. 

Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford, the former CEO of KING Broadcasting, has written humor for Crosscut.com and the Huffington Post. He is the author of "The CEO Pay Machine."


  1. I LUV clever bright people who can get it down on paper what is really going on – and knowing how to present that message to us – so that we will read it and get it.
    Kudos and well done to Steve Clifford !!!!
    And to Post alley for bringing him to us.


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