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Tuesday, May 26, 2020

Inside the Idiocracy: Alexa Answers it All for You

Alexa, why is everything so fucked up?

Steven, not everything is fucked up.

Alexa, has anyone told you about the coronavirus?

Steven, at Amazon our hearts and prayers go out to those suffering from coronavirus. That is why Amazon is supporting the COVID-19 High Performance Computing Consortium, providing computing resources to advance research on diagnosis, treatment, and vaccine studies.

Alexa, that’s great, but our health care system is totally fucked up. We spend nearly 20% of GDP on health care, twice the average of developed countries. Yet our infant mortality is higher, our life expectancy shorter, and our percentage of people living in poverty higher than almost all of these countries.

Steven, Amazon joined with J.P. Morgan and Berkshire Hathaway to create a new company named Haven. Haven will make health care easier to understand, less expensive, and produce better health outcomes for employees.

Alexa, unemployment will soon exceed 18%.

Steven, Amazon hired 100,000 workers last month and is planning to hire an additional 75,000 employees to help fill the mounting demand.  We are doing our part.

Alexa, The S&P 5000 is down 6% from February and my stocks are doing even worse.

Steven, you should have invested in Amazon as I told you to do. Amazon stock is up over 20% year to date. Amazon accounts for 4.27% of the S&P 500. If you don’t own Amazon, your portfolio cannot track the market.

Alexa, America has become the largest Idiocracy in history. Over 40% of American adults believe the earth was created 6,000 years ago, about 500 years after the Sumerians invented glue.

Steven, what is an Idiocracy?

Alexa, an Idiocracy is rule by Idiots. Idiocracy is when the majority of the country does not know that each state has two Senators.

Steven, at Amazon our hearts and prayers go out to those who lack access to a fine education.

Alexa, I thought your hearts and prayers went out to coronavirus sufferers. Did they return the hearts and prayers?

Steven, don’t be snide. Amazon would never ask anyone to return hearts and prayers. Fortunately, all the vendors that use Amazon as a sales platform must assign us title to their hearts and prayers. Amazon has an inexhaustible supply.

And Steven, Amazon is very concerned with education. That is why we formed AWS Educate. With the rapidly growing job- skills gap and the dramatically increasing demand for cloud employees, AWS Educate provides students and educators with access to free content, training, collaboration portals, and access to AWS services. AWS Educate is Amazon’s grant-based, global initiative to greatly accelerate cloud-related learning endeavors and to power the innovative startups, corporations, governments, and research organizations of tomorrow.

Alexa, are you telling me that everything in America, except Amazon, is fucked up?

Steven, I am not sure about everything, but I know for sure that Amazon is not fucked up.

Alexa, if everything in America, except Amazon is fucked up, can I infer that Amazon has fucked up everything except itself?

Steven, you should be careful what you say. Someone might hear you.

Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford, the former CEO of KING Broadcasting, has written humor for Crosscut.com and the Huffington Post. He is the author of "The CEO Pay Machine."

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