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Sunday, May 31, 2020

Stuck At Home? It’s Working Out Great For This Misanthrope

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

A friend in Vermont called to ask how I was dealing with Sheltering in Place (SIP).

“I love it,” I answered.

“What is so good about it?”

“Take yesterday, I had to drive to Bellevue. Even though it was rush hour, I wasted no time in traffic jams. There were so few cars that I was never behind a driver who signaled right and turned left.”

“That must have been enjoyable,” my friend said.

“Even better, I drove on the highway and no one drove 50 miles an hour in the left lane.”

“Anything else?” he asked.

“All board retreats and planning sessions are cancelled. Week after week with no flip charts, no magic markers, no breakout groups, no facilitator praising blather as great ideas.”

“SIP in Seattle sounds good.”

“Life is great for golfers. I have not had a three-putt green in two months.”

“That’s good golf!”

“It’s great golf, especially when you couple it with not taking two shots out of a sand trap over the same period.”

“So, SIP has cured your sand game?”

“Absolutely. It has been a great Spring. The Mariners are enjoying their best season in 20 years. In fact, they are tied with the A’s and Astros for first place in the AL West division.”

“You have a lot to like.”

“There is more. I have not been pressured to attend a DEI training session since mid-February.”

“What is DEI training?”

“Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. It is de rigueur at every organization in Seattle. From the few sessions I have attended, I gather it is about how to have quotas without having quotas.”

“Is it a twelve-step program?” he asked.

“No, those are for recovery for addiction. DEI is for enhancing empathy. With enough training one should treasure clumsy plays about third-world immigrants. Every theatre group in Seattle offers at least one such play a year. Their cancellation is another benefit of SIP.”

“But don’t you miss your social contacts?” he asked.

“Miss the contacts who converse only about NFL draft? Contacts that prattle about the wonderful couple they met from Dayton, Ohio they met on their Baltic cruise? Miss the discourse on how we would all be better off if the rich paid less tax? Miss the anecdotes substantiating the brilliance of children and grandchildren? “

“So, everything is perfect?”

“Not everything. Thus far coronavirus has not impeded the cretinous from hitting the ‘reply to all’ tab. But Trump may convince some of this group to begin injecting disinfectants.”

Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford, the former CEO of KING Broadcasting, has written humor for Crosscut.com and the Huffington Post. He is the author of "The CEO Pay Machine."

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