Monday. Trump appoints George Santos Chief Archivist of the United States. Donald and Eric Trump purchase Mission Produce, in Oxnard, California. Mission is the world’s largest avocado provider. Trump blames crooked Joe Biden for inflation, the poor jobs report,
and the stock market swoon. Trump reveals his Health Care plan. His six-part Trumpcare DIY (Do It Yourself) program will replace Medicare and Medicaid, saving $1.9 billion while improving health care.
Tuesday. Chief Archivist George Santos announced that recent research proves that George Washington’s real name was George Washington Trump. Trump tweets that Kash Patel must investigate Taylor Swift. Part one of Trumpcare DIY is reducing intake of salt and sugar. Trump raises tariffs on Mexican avocados to 250%, explaining that “Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum refused to rename the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America.”
Wednesday. Trump pardons Count Dracula. Chief Archivist George Santos proclaimed that recent research confirms that Abraham Lincoln’s name was actually Abraham Lincoln
Trump. Border Czar Tom Homan declares that smuggling avocados into the United States from Mexico is now a capital crime. Part two of Trumpcare DIY is flossing twice a day.
Trump tweets that Pam Bondi should indict Stormy Daniels for mortgage fraud.
Thursday. Trump sues The New York Times for defamation of character for publishing an editorial that implied a conflict of interest in his avocado policy. Playing golf on the Par 72 Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach, Donald Trump shot 39 under par with 12 holes in one. This surpassed Kim Jong Il’s 1994 round of 38 under par with 11
holes-in-one. Part three of Trumpcare DIY is to eat more fruits and vegetables. Trump issues an executive order that all states and cities named Lincoln and Washington be renamed Trump. Trump asserts that the so-called stock market collapse is a Chinese
hoax, resembling the Climate Change Chinese hoax.
Friday. Trump demands that all cities and states now named Trump must construct a sign, spelling “TRUMP” made of illuminated stainless steel letters, 20 feet tall and spanning 140 linear feet. Ruling that given Trump’s reputation, it is impossible to further
defame him, a Federal Judge throws out Trump’s suit against The New York Times.
Trump replaces the Doric columns of the Trump Memorial in Washington DC (formerly the Lincoln Memorial) with neon-lit gold statues of January 6 patriots. Part four of Trumpcare DIY is stay hydrated. After receiving intelligence that it carried either drugs or avocados,
Trump bombed a National Geographic cruise ship, saving 50,000 American lives while killing 21 narco-terrorists.
Saturday. Trump promises middle-class tax cuts using the $1.9 billion savings from terminating Medicare and Medicaid. “While the top tax rates will be cut by 50%, the middle class will benefit from the expansion of pass-through business income, step-up
basis, carried interest, lower rates on interest income, and LLC pass-through taxation,” Trump stated. President Trump issues an executive order that schools, universities,
memorials, roads, streets, highways, lakes, mountains, airports, tunnels, cities, and states named Lincoln or Washington must now be named TRUMP. Trump threatens to “send in the tough guys, the warriors — Pete Hegseth, Hulk Hogan, Sylvester Stallone, Stephen Miller, and Kash Patel — to remove Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro from office.” Trump labels National Geographic a Specially Designated Global Terrorist Organization.
Sunday. Though he swears he has never seen him, Trump accuses Jeffrey Epstein of having sex with Hunter Biden’s laptop. Trump sends the Texas National Guard to Trump, Nebraska, and the 82nd Airborne Division to the State of Trump to assure required
signage. Part six of Trumpcare DIY is eat healthier whole-grain carbs. Trump tweets that ICE should deport Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the founders of South Park, to Siot Prison in El Salvador. Defending Secretary of Treasury Scott Bessent, Trump stated, “Shorting stocks before the meltdown, based on inside information regarding inflation and jobs, shows how smart Bessent is.”
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