Donald Trump is delighted with his relabeling of the Department of War. “Everybody around me says it is one more testament to my genius,” he says. “They agree that I am the greatest American President.”
Yesterday, Trump announced the renaming of eight agencies. “As with the
Department of War, the new names will clarify the agency’s mission, improve
morale, and make them more assertive and goal-driven.”
The Department of Justice will become the Department of Retaliation. Each week,
Trump will tweet names of a few of his enemies. Trump promised Pam Bondi a
session with a competent hair colorist for each enemy indicted.
The Department of Commerce will be named the Department of Extortion. This Department will sustain the extortions from the universities (Columbia $400 million, UCLA $1 billion, Harvard $500 million, etc.) and law firms ($1 billion in legal services from at least nine law firms). With Brendan Carr’s transfer from the FCC to the Department of Extortion, media and entertainment companies will become lucrative shakedown targets, forced to choose between “the easy way and the hard way.”
Secretary of Extortion Howard Lutnick believes that government extortions have
been underpriced. “Paramount Global settled Trump’s 60 Minutes lawsuit for a
paltry $16 million. Two days later, the Trump administration approved the $8
billion Paramount-Skydance. The minimum price for approving a merger should
be 2% of the deal. Paramount should have paid $160 million,” Lutnick explained.
“The first act of the new Department of Extortion will be repricing government
approvals.” Issuance of pardons has also been transferred to Extortion, where Lutnick plans daily Celebrity Pardon Auctions at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas, to be broadcast by Fox TV.
The Internal Revenue Service will be renamed the Department of Carried Interest. “Why should only hedge fund and private equity billionaires get the carried-interest tax break?” Trump asked. “All billionaires deserve this tax exemption.”
Having shrunk IRS staff by 25%, the IRS must decrease tax audits. Trump announced that starting in 2027, the IRS will audit only Earned Income Tax Credit filers. “These tax cheats average a comfortable income of $24,000 a year. Why should we subsidize them?” said Karoline Leavitt, White House press secretary. “Under Biden, only 1% of these were audited. Honest, hard-working, and patriotic Americans making over $500,000 were audited at nearly the same frequency. We will cease auditing honest, hard-working, and patriotic Americans. We will audit only EITC swindlers and Democrats.”
The Department of Health and Human Services has been renamed the Department
of Quack Services. Secretary Kennedy celebrated this change by declaring that drinking bleach will prevent autism.
The Department of State will be titled the Department of Foreign Scams. It will
assure that Trump and his cronies continue to make billions on deals that intersect
with America’s national security interests. The models for this are:
- Qatar’s gift of a Boeing 747, valued at $400 million, for Trump‘s personal use. “There is no free lunch” is the first law of economics. Nonetheless, Trump announced that “The War Department is getting a gift, free of charge.”
- Sheikh Tahnoon, a prominent figure in the Abu Dhabi royal family, invested $2 billion in the cryptocurrency company “World Liberty Financial,” founded by Trump and his partner Steve Witkoff. Two weeks later, the White House approved the export of hundreds of thousands of high-performance AI chips to the UAE.
The White House asserted that the two deals were unrelated. The New York Times
found that they were intertwined and negotiated at the same time and by some of
the same people.
Working with Witkoff’s son, the Trump family amassed $5 billion after launching a World Liberty crypto product on September 1, 2025. The Wall Street Journal reported that Trump critics warned that World Liberty was a vehicle to influence the Trump family. Its profits are spurred by investors seeking help from the White House. For instance, the market for a dollar-pegged stablecoin issued by World Liberty has been largely propped up by Binance, whose convicted founder has been seeking a presidential pardon.
The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS), the federal agency that reports data on
employment, unemployment, wages, prices, and inflation, is now the Bureau of
Joyful Statistics.
The Department of Homeland Security is now the Department of Immigrant
Insecurity and Carnicide. Carnicide does not refer to Kristi Noem’s hobby. It reflects the Department’s responsibility for preventing Haitians in Springfield, Ohio, from eating neighbors’ pets.
Meanwhile, the Department of Carbon Energy has a new slogan: “Drill, Baby, Drill.”
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