Cold Shoulder: Let’s Tariff the Things We Don’t Want

My wife asked for my thoughts about Trump’s tariffs.

Trump’s tariffs are a blunt instrument, usually the same rate on all imports from a foreign country. Trump should tariff imports that harm America but not tariff those imports that improve America. So, you ask, name an import that harms America. I came up with cold fronts. Canada constantly sends us cold air. A tariff on cold fronts would change this. Send us balmy weather or pay up.

“Is that legal?” my wife asked.

“Legality is not relevant to Trump. He can tariff whatever he wants at whatever level he fancies.”

I then asked, what else should Trump tariff?

20th century French philosophers. The few Americans who understand Michel Foucault, Jacques Derrida, Jacques Lacan, and Claude Lévi-Strauss disagree with all of them. I propose a 75-percent tariff on deconstruction, logocentrism, structuralism, mirror stage, and the three orders.

She replied: taxing philosophical thought is not the purpose of tariffs. To which I replied that things have changed. Protecting Brazilian autocrat Jair Bolsonaro from imprisonment is now a purpose of tariffs. That is why I favor high tariffs on hip-hop music.

My wife objected: Hip-hop is American. You cannot tariff it. Then I replied that I will tariff K-Pop boy bands.

“Have you ever listened to a K-Pop boy band?”

No. But I know I would dislike them. I detested “Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing” by the boy band The Four Aces.

“That was in 1955. Have you heard any boy bands since?”

“Why would I listen to boy bands? I just told you I loathed them.”

“How can you tariff abstract concepts such as music genres?”

Since you introduced the concept of music genres, I will recommend a 75-percent tariff on the second Vienna school — Schoenberg, Berg, and Webern. Don’t try to tell me that their music is better than it sounds.

“Anything else?”

Officious foreign bureaucrats who require, on page 4 of form 31-6G, the maiden name of one’s grandmother; Casu Marzu, a Sardinian cheese containing live insect larvae; Marburg virus, Ebola virus, Rift Valley fever, and monkeypox; Trump-length neckties; bagpipes at sunrise; Moslem morality police.

I also produced a list of what should NOT be tariffed because these goods help America. “Swiss watches, particularly expensive Swiss watches, which are the sole recognized method of signaling wealth. The bank president suggests wealth and taste with a Patek Phillipe Calatrava. The AI investor reveals his connoisseurship, vibrant free spirit, and pioneering leadership by rotating four watches — 1939 Breguet Classique, Jaeger-LeCoultre Reverso, Audemars Piguet Oak, and an Apple Watch.

Without Swiss watches, these men would lack motivation. Why work yourself to death if your peers do not recognize your success? America would suffer double-digit inflation, another Great Recession, and the Dow would drop 45 percent.

I rest my case.