I Need to Ask: Do Men Ever Really Grow Up?

On July 10, 2025, after being routed by the New York Yankees 10 to 3 and 9 to 6 on previous days, the Mariners led the Yankees 5-0 after seven innings and Brian Woo was pitching a no hitter and then, due to inept relief pitching, sloppy defense, errant baserunning, futile hitting, and a missed tag at home plate, the Mariners lost 6 to 5.

I was livid. “How the fuck can those Bozos blow a five-run lead?” I ranted. “Send these numbnuts to the Arkansas Travelers in the Texas League.” After a few more minutes of rage, I said to myself, “I have a peasant life, few problems, and limited life expectancy. Therefore, I spend my time cursing professional athletes.” I began to laugh. “Do men ever grow up?” I wondered.

Like many men, I ignore instructions on newly purchased items. After buying a 45-piece tricycle kit, I would immediately start to screw pieces together. “Why are the tires on the handlebars?” my wife will ask. “That’s where they fit best. You will understand when it’s fully assembled,” I would reply. I could rationalize that I was learning by doing, but what I should have learned was to read instructions first.

Real men have confidence in their problem-solving abilities. What do these instructions know that I don’t already know? Why waste time reading them? This is not a rocket science; how hard can it be?

I have made some progress on asking for directions. If by myself, I often ask Google Maps for directions. In public, I still refuse to ask anyone for directions, including Google, Siri, and Alexa. Psychiatrists believe my refusal to ask for directions is triggered by neurotic pathologies, including a desire to appear self-reliant, a fear of appearing vulnerable, and other factors are rooted in societal expectations of masculinity.

I disagree. I blame the male brain, formed in hunter-gatherer times. If lost in those primative days, asking a forager from a different clan for directions was perilous.

Males are also criticized as for always thinking they are right on every subject. This needs context. It is true that 93% of male M.D.s think they are financial geniuses because they studied anatomy.

However, men like me use our considerable knowledge to help others. For example, if a speaker mispronounces the word “longevity” as “long-gevity,” I kindly interrupt: “There is no ‘long’ in longevity. One cannot use the single G twice.” The speaker is usually grateful and will never again be embarrassed by this error.

Currently, I am helping academics, woke progressives, and NPR announcers to cease pronouncing the silent T in “often.” “I understand that you believe this pronunciation makes you sound cultured and literate,” I inform them. “In fact, you sound pretentious and ignorant. Do you also pronounce the silent T in listen, hasten, and glisten? This is a time for tough love. Some day you will thank me.”

Men are further disparaged for being unemotional. This is unwarranted. How am I unemotional when I go berserk and flip my middle finger if another car tries to invade the lane that rightfully belongs to me. Who is more emotional when the Mariners blow a game? Me or my wife?

Finally, males are denounced for trying to take charge of everything. Not guilty, I reply. I’m the guy who, in October of 2012, asked in my column in The Huffington Post, “Should certain classes of men, specifically Straight White Men, be allowed to vote?” For the last 13 years I have been ceaselessly campaigned to implement this law. A prophet is seldom without honor, save in his own mind.