America’s Dictator Waiver Through the Years

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Image: Screenshot from “The Dictator” trailer

From 1945 until 2016 toleration was the fundamental principle of American foreign policy. The United States tolerated thuggish Dictators so long as they were our thuggish Dictators. The United States required every allied thuggish Dictator to annually file the one page affidavit below:

I___________ rule the country of ____________________.
      (Name)                                     (Name of Country)

I serve as its (choose only one):

  1. Democratically elected President for Life
  2. Self-appointed President for Life
  3. Leader of the successful Coup d’état on _________(Date)
  4. Strongman (Including but not limited to Hetman, Bey, Mr. Big, Generalissimo, Capo di Tutti Capos)

Please initial each pledge below:

_______I detest Communism
_______I dislike Iran and their meshuggah Ayatollahs.
_______I promise to steal no more than _________($ billion) a year (adjusted for inflation).
                                                                   

In return, the United States pledges not break your balls over (choose no more than three)

_______human rights
_______polygyny
_______jailing journalists
_______assassinating political opponents
_______one-party rule
_______genocide


Donald Trump detested this toleration policy. He didn’t want to simply tolerate tyrants. He admired them and envied their freedom to mock human rights, engage in polygyny, jail journalists, assassinate political opponents and impose one-party rule.

Trump introduced the policy of tyrantophila and simplified the annual affidavit:

I___________ am the dictator of ____________________
(Name)                                             (Name of Country)

My preferred form of torture is (choose one):

  1. Impalement: A sharp pole is pushed upwards through the victim’s body. The pole is then raised upright allowing the victim to slide further down the pole by his own weight.
  2. Coffin Torture: The victim is placed inside a metal cage roughly made in the shape of his body. The cage is hung from a tree allowing squirrels and other small animals to eat his flesh.
  3. The Rack: The victim is placed on spiked wooden plank with his feet tied to the bottom and hands roped to a crank at the top.  As the crank turns the ropes pull the victim’s arms, eventually dislocating bones with a loud crack.  As the limbs are pulled apart, the spinal cord is ripped in pieces.
  4. The Breaking Wheel: The victim’s limbs are tied to the spokes of a large wheel that is slowly revolved while an operator smashes the victims’ limbs with an iron hammer, breaking them in many places. Once the bones are broken, the wheel is placed on a tall pole so birds can pick and eat the flesh of the still-living human.

Please initial each pledge below:

________ I believe that human rights are a hoax
________Accusations that I encourage polygyny, genocide and one-party rule are fake news.
________Accusations that I jail journalists and assassinate political opponents are true. Watch your step.
________Enclosed is a $200,000 check for the initiation fee for my membership in Mar-a-Lago.


Now Biden is introducing his “Too Powerful to Punish” foreign policy doctrine.  Biden will penalize countries that disrespect human rights, jail journalists, impose one-party rule or assassinate political opponents. However, Biden will not sanction the country’s leader if the leader is strong and tough.

Under this doctrine Vladimir Putin was not sanctioned for poisoning Alexei Navalny. Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman also avoided sanctions for murdering Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi.

However, to escape sanctions, both had to file the new affidavit below:

I ____________, the brutal dictator of _______________, have (check all that apply):
(Name)                                                   (Country)

______ Nuclear missiles
______ Oil supplies large enough to trigger a 30 per cent price increase
______ The ability to launch a crippling cyber attack
______ Dollar reserves exceeding $300 billion
______ Donald Trump’s blanket approval for all that I do

I therefore qualify for immunity from United States’ sanctions on the ground that I am (check only one):

_______Too abhorrent to annoy
_______Too depraved to deter
_______Too heinous to hassle
_______Too nefarious to needle
_______Too pernicious to punish
_______Too retaliatory to restrain
_______Too sinister to sanction
_______Too vicious to vilify

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Steve Clifford, the former CEO of KING Broadcasting, has written humor for Crosscut.com and the Huffington Post. He is the author of "The CEO Pay Machine."

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