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Tuesday, May 26, 2020

Humor: Trump, “Reality” TV, and another Brilliant Cabinet Meeting

Image: Flickr

Torn Over Reopening Economy, Trump Says He Faces ‘Biggest Decision I’ve Ever Had to Make’ –New York Times, April 10, 2020

Trump Claims ‘Total’ Authority, Over Govs, to Reopen Economy New York Times, April 13, 2020

Cabinet Meeting, April 15, 2020:

Donald Trump:  I am planning a three-hour television special, “The Toughest Decision in History,” where I will announce the biggest decision I have ever faced, in fact, the biggest decision that any political leader has ever faced. It will be incredible TV. Tremendous TV. Every station will carry it live.  Hannity and Ingraham start the show with a discussion of all the tough decisions I have made and how every decision has been brilliant. I just have this knack, this incredible instinct. 

Then move to celebrity interviews about how I made America great again.  Trustworthy Celebrities. Celebrities who both take the long view and look the part– Tom Brady, Hulk Hogan, Mike Tyson.  Then we break for some classy entertainment, like a Superbowl halftime show, only with more T & A. Total style. Incredible style. Just when the tension becomes unbearable, I announce my toughest decision. Cut to Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing “Hail to the Chief” and close. Won’t America love it? 

Secretary of Education DeVos: Mr. President, it is such an honor to be working for an incredible leader like you. May I lick your shoes? 

Trump: You can lick the left one. 

Secretary of Agriculture Purdue: Can I lick the right one? 

Secretary of Health Azar: It’s my turn. Sonny got to lick both shoes yesterday. 

Secretary of State Pompeo: Mr. President, what will your decision be? 

Trump: That’s not important. What’s important is a 60 rating and a 90 share. This will be bigger than “Who Shot JR?”  Bigger than the final show of M*A*S*H. Might even be bigger than the weakest episode of “The Celebrity Apprentice,” when we had Teresa Giudice from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

Secretary of Housing Carson: Mr. President, it is the greatest honor of my life to serve you in making America great again. 

Trump: Thank you Justice Thomas, but technically, as a Supreme Court justice, you don’t directly serve me; you serve me only indirectly. 

Carson: Mr. President, I apologize for the perfectly understandable confusion, but I am Ben Carson, the Secretary of Housing. 

Trump: Well, stop looking like Justice Thomas. My job is hard enough. 

Secretary of the Treasury Mnuchin: Mr. President. Are you sure you want to take responsibility for this decision? 

Trump: I never take responsibility for anything. 

Mnuchin: If you open too early, the virus will rebound and you will be blamed. If you open too late, the economy will tank and you’ll be blamed.

Trump: I’ll shift the blame to China, fake news, the W.H.O., and whoever Fox and Friends slimed that morning. 

Mnuchin: That may not work this time. Voters will be extremely distressed. They are losing their jobs, can’t pay their bills, have friends and relatives dying, and find their children moving back in. They may not vote for you because of this decision. 

Trump: Barr, can’t you prevent people like that from voting? 

Attorney General Barr: I can in the slave states. The free states are more of a problem. 

Trump: You’re as much help as Jeff Sessions. 

Barr: Thank you Mr. President. It is a great honor to serve under your leadership. 

Trump:  OK, Steve. I get it. I see where this is going. Instead, I tell the governors “You’re going to call your own shots.”  The Republican governors will open up soon. Of course, a lot of people will die, but the majority will be African Americans. This relieves Barr from disenfranchising some voters. Then I cut off testing and PPE supplies to Democratic governors, forcing them to delay reopening. At the same time, I incite the right-wing mobs to riot and demand that the same governors reopen immediately. Whatever happens, the Democratic governors get blamed. I am a very stable genius. I will be awarded the Nobel Prize for Statesmanship. 

Barr: Mr. President, there is no Nobel Prize for Statesmanship. 

Trump: Barr, kill that opinion I ordered you to draft about the constitution giving the me “absolute authority.” Pompeo, call Sweden and threaten to impose 50% tariffs on imports unless they create a Nobel Prize for Statesmanship.  

After Saying States Call Shots, Trump Tries to Foment ProtestsNew York Times, April 17, 2020

Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford
Steve Clifford, the former CEO of KING Broadcasting, has written humor for Crosscut.com and the Huffington Post. He is the author of "The CEO Pay Machine."

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